Harnessing the Whirlwind

Please keep in mind that I originally posted this in July after I was diagnosed. (I think)




Some know that for the last couple of months I have been struggling with my own brain. It’s actually been a life long struggle where I have had to largely get by with white knuckling while my brain sends my mind through a tornado of fire, broken glass and acid.

At the end of April, I had what I now know to have been a manic episode. I feel as though it was triggered by stress, misunderstanding and my mother. I did not sleep or eat for a week, yet I felt like I didn’t need to do either and i felt completely energized or empowered. This was followed by a crash where I could not get out of bed for three days and even now I am trying to pull it all back together in a depressed phase.

On June fifth, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and provided the full blood work and ECG come back clean:

I have bipolar spectrum mood disorder. With OCD tendencies.

The fact of the matter is, yes, I did suspect it but when you grow up with a group of self medicating people who do not admit they have a problem. It is easy to ignore it.

My Doctor has put me on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant, I start both of these today.

I have not told any of my family about this diagnosis as it would cause more drama as they will probably try to convince me that I do not need intervention. But, I know that I do need intervention and I have started the process.

What really drove me to this? I do not want to be like my aunt.

My aunt makes my manic episodes and rages look cute. And since mine have included thoughts of self harm. Just thoughts and ideas of self harm, no plans of it. I can no longer just white knuckle through this and pretend like I do not have a problem. It really hit hard when very dear friends gave me a very direct and blunt talking to about myself, and while it did hurt and hit very hard;

They are right. This is not responsible of myself. I am leaving too much up to a brain and a sense of self control that is over taxed and starting to not be able to cope. It is also leaving the possibility where I might harm someone that I care deeply about both directly and in directly with the possibility that I could hurt myself. This is not acceptable.

So in final, I have a bipolar mood spectrum disorder, it will not have me.