Not dead

Hello my loyal readers

Just letting you know that I havent given up on posting. Just really busy with work and etc.

I will have a new post within a day or two.

How I Define Myself

Oh in case I haven't mentioned it; I'm a gay woman in a long term monogamous with a gorgeous and loving woman. Who for some reason has kept me around for over five years.

So some people know that I don’t actually identify as a “lesbian” for multiple reasons. Mainly, so I can not be tossed in the same boat as my emotionally and verbally abusive aunt who does identify as a lesbian.

I also tend to see the word used in a more political forum. And I do not want politics to weigh in on who I love and choose to have relationships with. As politics do tend to make for strange bedfellows.

There is a good deal of total bullshit about people not REALLY being gay or whatever for some pretty bogus and bullshit reasons. I’ve seen some where they are all up in arms saying someone isn’t a member of the second class citizens (the LGBT people, let’s face it) because of who they had sex with 15 years before they ever came out? Total bullshit.

Just fuck off and quit trying to make people fit neatly into boxes because it makes you comfortable.

Harnessing the Whirlwind

Please keep in mind that I originally posted this in July after I was diagnosed. (I think)




Some know that for the last couple of months I have been struggling with my own brain. It’s actually been a life long struggle where I have had to largely get by with white knuckling while my brain sends my mind through a tornado of fire, broken glass and acid.

At the end of April, I had what I now know to have been a manic episode. I feel as though it was triggered by stress, misunderstanding and my mother. I did not sleep or eat for a week, yet I felt like I didn’t need to do either and i felt completely energized or empowered. This was followed by a crash where I could not get out of bed for three days and even now I am trying to pull it all back together in a depressed phase.

On June fifth, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and provided the full blood work and ECG come back clean:

I have bipolar spectrum mood disorder. With OCD tendencies.

The fact of the matter is, yes, I did suspect it but when you grow up with a group of self medicating people who do not admit they have a problem. It is easy to ignore it.

My Doctor has put me on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant, I start both of these today.

I have not told any of my family about this diagnosis as it would cause more drama as they will probably try to convince me that I do not need intervention. But, I know that I do need intervention and I have started the process.

What really drove me to this? I do not want to be like my aunt.

My aunt makes my manic episodes and rages look cute. And since mine have included thoughts of self harm. Just thoughts and ideas of self harm, no plans of it. I can no longer just white knuckle through this and pretend like I do not have a problem. It really hit hard when very dear friends gave me a very direct and blunt talking to about myself, and while it did hurt and hit very hard;

They are right. This is not responsible of myself. I am leaving too much up to a brain and a sense of self control that is over taxed and starting to not be able to cope. It is also leaving the possibility where I might harm someone that I care deeply about both directly and in directly with the possibility that I could hurt myself. This is not acceptable.

So in final, I have a bipolar mood spectrum disorder, it will not have me.

Bipolar Senses

I have no idea what silence sounds like. I constantly have a ringing or a humming in my ears. I have had my hearing checked, it’s fine. I have to sleep with a white noise machine going, though our cat sometimes makes sleeping difficult but I digress.

I also have no idea what absolute darkness is like. When I am hypo-manic or manic every single trace of light is excruciatingly bright to me. This is how I know it is time for me to go to bed. The sun during the winter is hell when it reflects off the snow... mind you we have to get sun during the day for this to happen.

Ok so some visual distortions have started to happen and my laptop screen is too bright to look at even on the least brightest setting.

Importance of Food with Bipolar Disorder

I have been having an issue lately with food. It's not that I don't want to eat or some sort of eating disorder has taken hold. It is more that the cocktail of medication (Wellbutrin, Lamictal and Prozac) I take has a side effect of suppressing my appetite to the point that I actually forget to eat sometimes for a couple of days at a time.

I am also having some distortions in my field of vision. They are kind of hard to explain, but it is like seeing something out of the corner of your eye. On plain colored walls I have seen rainbows and multiple different colors and sometimes random patterns. A couple of times I could have sworn there was someone right beside me at my desk. Seeing little dots or translucent donuts zigzagging around my field of vision. I have had my computer screen changes colors and various shades of said colors. Random bursts of light, orbs and etc as well.

This is all well and good but what do these have in common or anything to do with the disorder? Well, when I saw my pdoc last week I was actually having a hard time looking at her because there was this big splatch of light right behind her. I told her this and she suggested that I get in to see an Optometrist to rule out any issues with my eyes. I will be getting to this after xmas when I will hopefully land a pretty sweet temp placement. Plus, when you know that I haven't seen an Optometrist in eight years, it is sort of time to get my eyes checked anyway.

Ok? So what does have to do with food? My fiancee suggested that because I tend to eat very little that these visual issues could be because of the lack of fuel my body has to share. I started my medication in June of 2013 and since then I think I m down 15 - 20 lbs. The way I dropped that weight is not the healthy way by any means.

So now I am going to try to make more of an effort to eat, even when I don't feel the least it hungry. Which like I said above could be from my medications. Make sure I constantly have snacks and beverages around always try to have breakfast, lunch and dinner. I see my doctor again on January 18th and I hope to be able to tell her that my visual issues are gone.

I will keep you posted.

I have the Disorder, why are they the Jackasses?

Why is it that when people find out that you have a mental disorder but you are taking medication as ordered and doing everything you can to control it or management they suddenly start treating you like you are more dangerous now than before you got proper treatment and care?

I am pretty open about the fact that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in June of this year. Yeah, I was in denial for a little while and had the “poor me” phase and all that. I am not ashamed that I have Bipolar Disorder, it does not mean that I’m “crazy”. What it means is that I have a physical and/or chemical defect or imbalance that depending on the trigger or whatever I have the possibility of going very manic to the point that I think very delusional things (such as god speaks through me, but not that I am god). Yes, if I am stressed out I do hallucinate. No when I hallucinate I just see odd colors, shapes out of the corners of my field of vision. Sometimes, I have seen what I thought was a cat or whatever.

Yes, I am taking three different medications(20mg Prozac, 200mg Lamictal, 300mg Wellbutrin) to manage the Bipolar and my adjoining issues with it (OCD). Yup, I’ve had some unimpressive side effects (Prozac tends to make you unable to orgasm…. you can get turned on and to the brink of but not over said brink. It is very frustrating.) But over all I am feeling pretty good.

I have had multiple “Friends” cut me out of their lives because I’m dealing with my mental disorder. While I have to respect their moronic decision, yeah I get it. Because I am getting my life and crazy under control they can really no longer see me as the “rescue case” that needs their help so they can feel good. I can save myself thanks, though I do need a push sometimes…..

I spent a large portion of my life self medicating with alcohol and various street drugs. My mother actually bought me the alcohol when I was 13. I drank nearly nightly up until I was about 23-24. I’m 26 now, and stone cold sober! And because I am sober, I can see now how big of absolute fucking assholes my “friends” are. Nat you’re right, I do deserve better than fairweather friends. The ones that cut me have made their decision and I am going to have to learn how to accept it, even though it’s a stupid ass decision. They lost out on something awesome, so fuck them.

I have been through hell and back only to go through hell once again. I have been beaten down, abused, used and left for dead. And guess what….. I am still standing bitches. I want to see them go through what I have been subjected to and see how they turn out when their safety net gave way and they have to go it alone.

Someone very wise once said “It’s only after we have been pulled back from hell, is when we find Heaven.”

I was once told that I “used to be a force of nature”, well guess what:

A Storm is Coming.

It’s actually kind of funny. The people that “know” me don’t actually know that much about me. Growing up it really wasn’t ever encouraged to express anything except spite, malice and anger.

Hell, anytime someone pissed me off by continuing to push my buttons until I snapped I would get “You’re just like your aunt.” Or, if I ever did anything for myself was quickly met with “You’re just selfish like your father.”

Great so I am exactly like two people who have left so much damage in their wakes. My aunt who was sexually assaulted or statutory, I’ve heard multiple events, this happened when she was 12-13, yeah she was just a kid herself and this event resulted in a baby. Anyway, she started counselling and the therapist told the family that they cannot let her use this as an excuse for bad behavior and etc.

Fast forward to nowish, she is 51 and for the majority of my 26 years of existence she has been a raging cunt. Nothing but verbal and emotional abuse like “I told your mother to abort you.” out of the blue. Or forcing people to walk on egg shells because she would explode with rage for no reason. So you know that being told you’re exactly like her year in and year out will screw up your emotional responses or control. But unlike her, I am dealing with my bipolar granted right now I am in a low place but I’m not a raging cunt like her.

I haven’t spoken to my aunt since 2006 with the exception of my grandfathers funeral in 2009, where I decided my issues with her should not be the focus. It’s really funny, most of the family was on my side about finally telling her to grow up and deal with her shit instead of taking it out on me. But now, they have all changed their minds and I’m the bad guy because I don’t want to be abused anymore. So they are continuing to let her get away with being a raging cunt over stuff that happened 40 years ago but I can’t be hurt over being repeatedly raped and beaten for 3 years until I left her and she stabbed me nearly 6 years ago? Oh, right, she was assaulted by a man and I was assaulted by a woman. Right, right. I “could’ve stopped it” or they could “accept it if it was done by a man”. Yeah victim shaming is awesome when it is coming from the people “closest” too you. I don’t have an explosive temper, I will walk away until you back me into a corner and then I bite.

Shit like this makes me happy that I couldn’t remember being molested by my mother’s boyfriend when I was 6. But that was a lovely memory to come back at random. If I did let “the family” know, they would have “the reason why I’m gay” other than growing up without a father. Which is funny when you know my fiancee grew up with both parents and was not molested, yet she is just as gay as I am.

"You’re just like your father." So I am just like a cocaine smuggling wife beating alcoholic who was fucking anything he could get his hands on in the Philippines? Oh right he is " a good guy", which is the type of thing you want to hear when you’re little and wondering what you did to drive your daddy away. Or you know when he tells you that he now has a son and you feel like you’re not good enough to have a father. Kind of makes growing up in a W.A.S.P nest a bit difficult when all the kids treat you worse than garbage because you live without a father and live in an apartment. I was always treated like I was inferior because of that. Until we hit high school and all their parents started getting divorced and they couldn’t handle it.

It also tells you where you stand in someone’s life when your father causes a gas leak in the house shortly after your born then your mother comes to find out that he took out a million dollar life insurance policy out on her….. but not the newborn. Cool, so I would’ve been collateral damage. It gets even better 22 years later when his mother dies and in the obituary lists all six of her grandchildren but when you happen to be the seventh grand kid it still shows you where you stand. Yeah, I’m what they don’t talk about because it reminds them that their son has fucked up and hurt people.

But oh right, he’s “a good guy”. Know how that makes someone feel hearing that all of her life? You can probably guess. It’s funny, my parents have been divorced for basically my entire life. Yet, my mother googles him, my grandmother tells him all sorts of information about me oh and in the eyes of my cunt of an aunt “he’s a good guy”. With the exception of my aunt, I am told one new tidbit of information about him at least once every two weeks. I have memories of being 4 or 5 and my mother taking out her anger and hurt over the divorce on me. Did she ever hit me? I don’t think so. But I do remember her grabbing me and screaming in my face and calling me a “little bitch” and such.

Apparently my grandmother is his favorite in-law. Really? How about acknowledging that you have a daughter. And maybe stop blaming my mother for the fact that I don’t want to have anything to do with your ass? Or hey, maybe my aunt, mother and grandmother can actually respect my wishes to either stop talking to him or let it the fuck go. I could make a case that I am the one that got screwed over the most and yeah, I did do the whole cliche “father issues” thing up until I was about 17 and it hit me. Why the hell should I hold space in my mind or heart for someone that never once made an effort to me? He is not worth the effort anymore.

Contrary to some of “the family” there are worse things in life than growing up without a father. I know, I’ve experienced a few of them but according to them the worst thing in my life is a lack of a father.

Would’ve been nice if someone had noticed that I started self medicating myself when I was 13 with alcohol and then rapidly moved on to other items. How did I get the alcohol? My mother bought it for me. Why do heavy pain killers don’t affect me? Gee, spending 8 years of your life stoned on them tends to help you develop a tolerance. Oh and there was the self harm, yeah I cut but I also had a habit of never dealing with injuries properly. Hey, there was also sex, I can remember about 50 or so sexual partners. All women, am I bragging about this? No, I don’t even know why I am mentioning this part.

Fast forward to now. I have been in a relationship with the single most amazing woman on the planet for five and a half years. This is really the only healthy, fulfilling, loving and stable relationship I have ever had. She is the one who gave me that one final push to get help and sort myself out. Do I feel worthy of her? No, but that might come from constantly being told that you are not good enough no matter how good at something you are. I was actually told, after I won one of my first kickboxing titles, that it wasn’t an impressive win because I should’ve taken her out in the first round.

The amazing woman that has kept me for almost 6 years, for reasons I still don’t know, is the only person who has made me feel “good enough” or that I’m “worthy of love”. I trust her and that is a hard and scary thing for me to do.

Why do I refer to them as “the family”? Every family has some level of dysfunction, but mine feels like you’re in the mafia. Piss off the “don” or whatever and you get shot or in this case your entire sense of self torn apart. You try to distance yourself from them and they come after you.

I am just done. It is exhausting to be around any of them because all they talk about to me or my fiancee is me or my lack of father, or how “angry” I am.

I am so done. I am just done with it all. I just want to live my existence with the love of my life in peace and maybe figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Is that really too much to ask for?

What Manic Feels Like

The thing about a manic episode, it feels like your mind has been sucked up into a tornado made of fire, razor blades and salt. No way to tell which way is what or when it will stop.


Utterly no control. Panic. Rage. Elation. All at once. Complete confusing and a break with reality.


Everything and everyone is running too slow. Flow of ideas hits you like a tidal wave and you forget just as quick. Feeling like you can do anything or that God has empowered you.


Can’t sleep. Can’t eat. No need for it.


Once it is over, finally; total burn out.


Everything is to bright and loud. Complete exhaustion no matter how much you sleep or rest. No coordination. Physical weakness. Mind foggy and depressed.


I want off this ride.